Chronicles of a small town playboy – Chapter 1

I don’t remember how many times I’ve told myself I’ll never get do this again, but yeah, last night it happened again… How it happened is quite a story, but we’ll get to that later. Today is Friday and me and my niggas have a new crew that we just have to run through!
This new crew is from Mmabatho High. 5 girls. I call them the Titties and Ass Crew! But this one girl’s called Kgomotso, Motso for short or KG if you’re keeping it gangster! Oh! My! Sack! If you saw her you would nut your pants right there ntwana! Kinda looks coloured but isn’t, taller than your average Motswana girl, short hair, tom-boyish… and she can speak English, too. I hate bitches that can’t speak good English. They sound farm-ish!

I like banging these young hoes… Or like Ludacris says “Oh, how I love these pretty-ass hoes!” You just have to buy them a six pack and they’re good for the night! I ain’t tryin’ to fool anyone here… I’m not well-off lately.

My parents used to be in the cash 5 years ago. My dad was fucking rich, my mom was a house executive. We had a vacation crib in Umhlanga, Durban. And I’m not talking about a flat, I mean a 4 bedroom house, 2 garages, a BMW 1 Series 120i convertible just for the holiday house! What did my dad do? You guessed it! Tenders! We lived in Leopard Park Golf Estate. Pops had 3 cars, a 7 Series, a Navara and a Drop-top CLK for Moms. That’s maybe why I don’t fuck with farm-ish bitches.

Sigh, but all that is over now…

My phone is ringing… “Hello?”, “Nigga are you sleeping at work?”, “dude, you know what time I got home last night. Besides, I don’t have shit to do today here at work, my boss is off fucking Unibo bitches again so I can lounge. I just have to clock in the hours and see when…”, “… motherfucker I didn’t call you to hear about your problems!”, “Mxm, fsek”. Greg is an asshole sometimes. He’s rich. Or at least his parents are. He works for them at their B&B, doing nothing but complain about the quality of coke in Mafikeng and how he hates Maftown.

“So dude, Motso seems DTF (down to fuck) tonight?!” I’m picking her up from school just now, wanna come along?” Eish I wanted to bang this girl myself, and now this nigga is gonna beat me to it. “Yeah, come pick me up at lunch”.

Unibo, or as it’s currently known Uniwest or NWU, is full of young and nice looking things. Greg comes through at lunch. That Range Rover Evogue has seen a lot of things. If it could write a book the book would be banned for too much SNVL. “What’s up Greg?!” “What’s up Sipz”.

My name is Sipho Zulu, aka Sipz. 26 year old man from Mafikeng, currently living in Unit 2, Cul 7, with my parents and my brother. I’m an admin clerk at Unibo. A job my mother organised me after flunking out of UJ for 4 years. I’m smart. 3 Distinctions in Matric. I’m not sure why I flunked out of engineering school though.

“So who we picking up?” I ask. “4 bitches, my nigga. I’m telling you I’m fucking that bitch today!” It’s a short drive, which the black and white Evoque makes light work off. Jesus! This thing is fast.

Mmabatho High is a hive of activity today, and school was supposed to be out 30 minutes ago. And lookie here! Here’s these two tender niggas, OB and Stapura. I hate these niggas. They’re pompous for no reason. OB is this fat ugly looking motherfucker with a gold tooth in this day and age, who likes the celebrity life with expensive whiskies and cigars. He probably dashes whisky with coca-cola this idiot. He can’t speak English though. Farm-ish punk! And Stapura. Also has these farm-ish tendencies but went to good schools. Can’t understand him.

“OB jou swart bliksem, wat se”. “fsek wena sani Sipz. O batlang hierso?”

“Tswa mo nna wena OB. Greg, where’s those people”. “Motso is not answering her phone joe.”

OB opens his ugly mouth and says, “hahaha, they’re in that car sefebe”, pointing to Stapura’s black GTI. Greg is an idiot, going over to the GTI to go get those girls, out screaming “What the fuck are you doing in there? Let’s fucking go and stop playing with me bitch!” “Oh, ke bitch wena Greg?” Eisani, now the girls are getting attitude. Great! We gonna take forever to bang these girls.
OB is laughing at us now, him and Stapura beat us to this crew this time. I should stab this motherfucker. “Greg let’s go dude…” Range Rover sometimes doesn’t get you bitches I guess. “Greg, I’ve got bitches I know from Unibo dude, let’s go back to my campus.” We hop back in the Range with the tails between our legs. Greg doesn’t go back to campus. I’ve got a crew  “sthubatlala”. Loosely translated means “Those who break the hunger”. These are the girls you bang if you’re going through a pussy drought. “Greg, where you going
now?” Greg drives like shit, skipping stops and shit. We head to Imperial. Dodgy little township near the villas (villages). I guess we’re getting a gram then.

The drug dealer is quick with Greg, I guess if you’re a number one customer you deserve attention. “Dude, let’s hit a couple of lines, but I need to lock up the office. My boss is probably not coming back today.” Sniiiiiiif! Aaaaah! If you’ve never done coke before take it from me: It’s the shit! Getting high is a past time I enjoy, but can’t afford. At R250 a gram, it’s cheaper than in Jozi but the quality is usually so shit. I’ve been planning to go get a brick of coke in Jozi and sell it here. So many guys in Maftown have started getting into coke. Special Star and Stunt101 introduced me to it. “Dude, let’s go pick up those girls from campus.” Ah, the Range always attracts attention when you get into
campus. But I’m gonna check mails first and then I’ll leave. Oh snap. My boss is here. “Heita bra Dan”. “Sipho, I need Monday’s report today. The rector wants to read it over the weekend.” There goes my Friday! Shit, Greg is calling, and he’s got the girls in his car. I’ll just ignore this one, I need this job and can’t lose it. I”m on my second warning right now.

Greg is one selfish bastard, leaving me here and shit. But Ima get Special Star to pick me up. “Yo son! Where are you” “I just knocked off dog, where are you?” “Come pick me up dog” “I’m picking up Stunt at Mega City and I’ll come by your workplace.”

First stop is Star Shop. Always been the Maftown link up spot for years. After a couple of hours this punk Greg comes through. “Wassup cuz” “Greg, o polo, you know how long I’ve been waiting here? It’s 11 o’clock nigga” says Stunt. “Ah, cuz, you know the things we get up to at night need us to always be up and down these dusty Maftown streets.”

Maftown is a holy city. There’s potholes everywhere.

“Stunt, you should drive your cousin’s car dude, he’s drunk as fuck right now. And he’s got my bitches in the car, too. Let’s go to your place.”

Stunt’s crib is so shit, dirty little dingy whore house. I’m not complaining though, cos some of the whoring is done by me. This nigga Greg is so ungrateful. There he is, first thing he does when we get to he house is take one of the bitches to the bedrooom. Me and Special Star go outside to have a blunt outside, plus it’s too hot indoors. Right outside the window we see Greg going at it with this chick “Oh shit! Star, come look through this window dog, look how Greg is fucking that hoe”. Greg has a big enough dick, but he can’t use it for shit. He’s got the bitch on her side and he’s on his side too, and he’s been banging with the same style for the past 15 minutes. How drunk is he?

“Star, I’m too crunk my man. Please drive me home, I didn’t sleep last night, I’m done in son!” I slur!

We dip in and out of the pot holes and trenches of Unit 13 heading to Unit 2 “Dude, drop me here by Trend Setters, I’ll double-up through these houses.”
“Peace Sipz.” “Peace Star”.

Man, I think I’m too drunk for this walk. I hope I don’t puke on my way into the house. Oh, shit, look! That’s the neighbour I was banging early this morning, looks like she’s still up. I know I said this is not what I want to do again but that Magogo is horny and available. That husband of hers must keep his ass at that police station while I service his wife. You see, you don’t need to go to GG Pub (Grab-a-Ganny pub) to get one. “Koko Aus Mildred”. “Hey wena Sipho, o tagilwe jang!” “Aus Mildred o bua too much, let me show you a black anaconda”. This woman is so tight, like she’s not getting fucked by her husband. Good thing she can’t have children, cos i like coming inside her. She likes to fuck me cos she gets to come at least 4 times.

Ah, that was a good round. “Aus Mildred, gve me R100 there let me get a quart”. “You’re still drunk wena Sipho, hahaha”.  SOmething starts moving in the kitchen “What’s that noise?” What the fuck is going on? There’s someone in the house! “Ijoo, bra jakes”. “HEY WENA SIPHO! O TLILE GO NYELA!” Oh shit! Where’s my underwear? Where’s my clothes? Jakes pulls out a sjambok from behind the cupboard! Fuuuck! This nigga hit me all over the face, my back, my head! I seriously fucked up today! This nigga is really gonna kill me!

you done fucked up now

you done fucked up now

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