So I decided its time I visit him so he could show me all these places he tells me about. Not because I don’t believe his stories, but he lies a lot about what they get up to in that desert.
SK is a good guy generally, he’s an electrical engineer in one of the mines there, born and bred in a village called Seoding in Kuruman, went to UCT and is making lots of cash now. We met in Maftown when he came for the 60s and him and I just gelled I guess.
For the longest time he would invite me to come and party in Kuruman, but me and villas are not best of friends. Invite me to a town, not a damn village. Too many farmish types there.
So, I hitchhike from mafikeng to Kuruman travelling with this old man and what I suppose are his grandkids. The corolla he drove smelled like cabbage and paraffin, so I had the window open all the way to Kuruman. I arrived late, too. He drove like a real old man! 100km/h all the way.
Finally arrived at 9pm and called my homie Skangaka. “Mfethu, I’m here. Come pick me up at Pick n Pay.” “Sho mfethu, I’m on my way!” And as soon as I dropped the call from the corner of my eye I see two guys come straight to me. Damn, am I about to get robbed? One is so short he looks like a tall midget, and one is skinny and tall. The tall one takes out a knife from his pocket, but on closer inspection I could see its a butter knife. “Botshelo jwa gago bo mo kotsing. Tlisa mogala le madi” (your life is in danger, hand over your phone and money). I laughed so hard at these niggas, cos people who’ve robbed me before don’t carry butter knives and they speak Tsotsi taal or something else, not this deep Setswana and neither in that accent. “Tswang mo go nna dipudi ke lona, Hahaha”, I said as I waved them away.
This short bastard walks up to me and punches me in the throat. That shit almost paralysed me. I fall to the ground and these niggas take my phone, wallet and bag with my brand new Nike Air Max’s in there. Thank the lord they’ve never heard of Timberland cos they would have taken my jeans and shoes.
This is not on. How the hell do I get robbed by what looked like Tom and Jerry less than a minute after I land in this damn village!?
Skangaka finally arrives, and he sees me standing looking miserable. As he approaches me he can see that I don’t have any shoes on and then he starts giggling. “My chomi, dintshang? Hehehe” “Ba ntshwere poo mfethu. Hardly 5 minutes ago dog.” “Don’t worry buddy, I’ll find some shoes for you. I’ll also get you a girl so you can get laid and release your stress.”
Now, if you don’t know anything about Kuruman let me fill you in. Kuruman is in a semi desert, it hardly ever rains there. They have more than a handful of mines all around. So most of the guys that are from there work in the mines. They’re engineers and all kinds of other professions. Another thing you must know about Kuruman is that in one festive season they managed to drink the town dry. SAB, and I suppose Brandhouse as well, had to find other places where they could take liquor from and replenish the Kuruman stock as the festive season wasn’t finished yet. People in Kuruman abuse alcohol, consume tons of it and always have money to buy some more.
Skangaka is in a vat-n-sit situation, but like most guys in such situations, he figures he’s not married yet so he can cheat as much as he can. He booked a room at a lodge in town for me and him to use during the weekend. This is what he does most days when he’s off duty, knowing that his girlfriend lives at home he needs to have a place to bang these girls that are all over him.
So we arrive at the lodge and he already has two honeys waiting for us. There’s one girl called Dimakatso, skinny with tig old bitties and a phat ass! The other one is Ruth, short but has a great body too. They tell me they’re from Hotazel, which apparently is an actual place.
Skangaka takes Dimakatso with to go buy food and seeing my chance I ask Ruth for a quickie and to my surprise she obliges. So I take off her clothes and proceed to help this girl who’s clearly hasn’t had any for a while… And then Wham! Bam! 2 minutes later my love juice starts to come out! Damn, that was too quick. The cookie monster also decides to fall asleep, what the hell is going on?! I stand there breathing heavily with the condom still on the dick and the girl sits up and asks, “and then buti?” “Eish mtwana, it must be the long trip I just had.” She says, “look you better get that thing up or else…” “Or else what? O sa ntlwaela hampe wena plaas japie.” This girl reaches into her bag and takes out a butter knife, “or else I’m cutting it off!” What the shit! Another butter knife? “Bona baby, put down the knife and let’s see how we can fix this!” But she wasn’t having none of that. She chases after me with the knife and I run out of the room, both of us naked! I still had the condom on, so it started falling off as I was running. The love juice started flowing all over my legs, with the dick and balls swinging left and right.
I see a security guard and decide i’ll ask him to help me with this mental case. As I’m running towards the security guard I feel something hit me on my butt-cheek. That damn skank had thrown the butter knife and hit me on my ass-cheek. The knife stuck me and fell to the ground. The security guard came over to me to see what was going on. The girl went back into the room but I wasn’t about to find out if another butter knife was coming, I limped out of the lodge to wait outside for SK to come back so I could go to the clinic. I just got my ass kicked for premature ejaculation.
After a couple of stitches my ass was back to working order. I couldn’t shit properly but it was working!
After getting my stitches we went to SK’s crib so I can get some shoes at least. His girl is sleeping by that time, so we sneak in so we can bounce and go party a bit. I hang in the lounge and wait for this guy to get the shoes but he’s taking a while. The seat is at least nice and comfortable and my butt is not that sore anymore. Next thing I know there’s a commotion in his bedroom and then the door opens… “You want to give me AIDS with your filthy hoes you pick up in the middle of the night?”
Oh shit, what did that woman find out now?! SK comes out of that bedroom walking backwards, blocking a slew of warm klaps from this woman. “Why do you want to kill me SK? Why?” Next thing SK turns around and starts to sprint for the door. I follow behind, lest this woman turns on me. We run outside the yard and she goes back into the house. Phew! I’ve heard of women beating their men, but I’ve never seen it before.
Outside I ask SK what happened. “Sipz mfethu, these women are smart. When I got into the bedroom she woke up and asked to see my dick so she can check if there’s toilet paper on it like the last time. I don’t wipe it with toilet paper cos that’s how she caught me the last time, so I this time I wiped it with a towel. But the problem is that my underwear was turned inside out and she me what reason I had to have it turned inside out. That’s where the problems started. You see, when I banged that girl I used these scented condoms. My dick smelled like strawberries.”
So the Saturday comes, the Hotazel girls have disappeared and the fellas are having a lazy weekend off. I had to walk around with a cushion to sit on or keep standing. There wasn’t anything planned for this weekend, and avoid such things because then basically you’re just sitting around without any proper plans for the day. We ended up at one of the busy car washes in a township called Mothibistad, drinking until late at night. SK hooks up two of his skanks and we head to the same lodge we were at the previous night.
Its had two beds, so we start giving these girls the time of their lives, and this time I didn’t come after 2 minutes, I had learned my lesson. Over at sk’s bed I hear him start screaming “Vumani bo!” The girl replies “siyavuma!” “Vumani bo!” “Siyavuma!” Apparently he taught the girl that when he’s about to come he screams “Vumani Bo!” And the girl must reply “Siyavuma!”
I wake up on Sunday ready to leave and SK drops me off at the hitchhiking spot with a cushion and some money for the trip. I just hope him and his girlfriend would solve their unfortunate situation and all would be sorted out. It was time I rest my sore ass.