Chronicles of a small town playboy – Chapter 13

Part deux, its the #WeddingDay. The gang gathers for some greasy breakfast at Wimpy, just so we can handle the headaches and babalas. We went overboard with the shooters and now everyone is feeling the effects. At least the wedding is starting later at 2pm, but if you know women, this shit will only start after 4pm. We reckon we have a lot of time since its only 9am.

After breakfast, discussing all the shit from the previous night, we head to Paul’s house to catch a nap and freshen up for the day.

I decide to take stroll to the Nigerian saloon to get my hair cut by the people who’ve cornered the saloon market. I get in and there’s a bit of a line there, but I see one of the guys that I was partying with last night at Paul’s house. “Ao Vuyo, wat sê my bra.” ‘Sipho, wat sê ntwana. Great party last night.” I find out from Vuyo that the girl SK is marrying used to go out with him and SK came with rau-rau and took the girl. “SK o nshayile ka stena mfethu. You might think he’s your friend but he can turn on you as quickly as he did me. But I’ve got something planned for him today. He’s gonna pay big time for what he did.” “Aah dude, but you guys have been broken up for so long, why mess with him after all this time?”

Anyways, this is Kuruman beef and I don’t want to get too involved. I just have to warn SK about this nigga’s plan. So after I get my hair and beard trimmed up I approach SK, “SK mfethu, I just spoke Vuyo now and he’s planning to ruin your wedding somehow.” “Mxm, o sa wara ka bari eo, I’ll handle him when I meet up with him at the wedding.”

So we put on our suits, some nice cologne and polished shoes. The theme was purple and white, so SK wore a white suit with a shiny purple tie. The groomsmen wore purple vests. It was nice if you could see it, not as ugly as it sounds. We all had some Listerine cos selatsa was just too much. After that Red Bull was the order of the day.

The bridesmaids also wore purple skirts with white tops. The girls were so hot it made me think they were rented models or something. How do you have an entire crew of hot girls?!

At the reception they all had to sit next to each other, and of course you can’t just sit there and talk to yourself, you have to chat a bit. Since all the groomsmen had girlfriends, this situation was quite awkward situation. No girl wants her boyfriend so close to such hot girls for so long! By the end of the night I hear that the girlfriends would call over the bridesmaids one by one to warn them, “I’m watching you! I want to see your hands on top of the table at all times, don’t even scratch yourself without coming to ask me first!”

The speeches start and everyone talks the same shit like at any other wedding. “You must hold on even if its tough my child. You must make sure you ride the bike and you do the chicken all the time my child.” But then the bride’s mother gets the mic and starts to ramble on. I suspected she was getting lubricated at the reception but I never thought she would be this inebriated. She gets the duties of the cake cutting ceremony, “My child, this cake you must feed your husband. Make sure you feed your husband cake whenever he wants so that he doesn’t go outside looking for cake! This is his cake now!”

As the festivities at the reception are in full swing in walks Vuyo. He’s got two girls with him. Skanky looking types wearing skimpy clothes, dodgy high heels and cheap-smelling R2 perfume you buy from the chinese. Clearly Vuyo is here to cause trouble, and it certainly has something to do with these two girls. SK approaches me and whispers to me, “mfethu, these girls are my stock. They’re regulars in my extra mural activities!” Damn, then Vuyo brought them to mess with this wedding.

Vuyo strolls around greeting everyone, making sure he parades these girls in front of everyone. He goes to the groom and brides table, with the girls still in tow, and delivers his present to the bride. SK is looking at Vuyo from my table at that time. “Lenyalo le monate lerato le boima. I wish you guys all the best in your marriage.” He hands over a present to her and says, “Madam, how about you open your present right now. Its a video I made for the both of you…” The bride opens up the wrapping and and the box to reveal an iPad. She unlocks and starts to play the video. “Vuyo, this looks like a video of you and SK at some party, where was this?” Vuyo says nothing. She plays the video further and you can see from her face that something is wrong. “Hey wena Vuyo! You come in here showing me this video of my husband and these two bitches thinking it will break us up! Take these whores of yours and voetsek!” “Le wena voetsek!”, says one of the chicks. I guess she’s used to being called a bitch or whore because she didn’t object to that part. SK starts retreating outside when the wife starts screaming at the girls. And then shit gets real!

She gives Vuyo a warm klap. Everyone never thought it would rain that day so they were surprised when they heard thunder, but that wasn’t thunder at all. This girl smacked the shit out of Vuyo. The girls standing next to him ducked for cover. The mother notices the commotion and comes running to defend the bride. Vuyo is still seeing stars, dazed and confused as to how his plan didn’t work.

The bride and the mother turn their attention to the two girls, dragging them outside the tent by their cheap weaves. The people in the tent were now whistling, shouting and taking videos of the fight. No one dared break this fight up, maybe they know how they roll. Outside, the girls get their goodbye goodie-bags in the form of a few warm klaps and off they go! “Le ntlwaela hampe, ek is a meisie van Kurara! Ek trap julle goed and genoeg!”

Here comes Vuyo, one of the uncles dragging his punk-ass out of the tent. The bride and mother each give him a better goodie-bag – two warm kaffir-klaps! “Voestek!”
As I stood there in amazement I see why SK ran out of the house that night she found out that he was cheating on her. I resolved never to come back to Kuruman and start some shit because clearly this woman will kick my ass if I try some shit with her.
wedding vibes

One thought on “Chronicles of a small town playboy – Chapter 13

  1. Kwaaaaaaaa these chronicles are killer. Lmao

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