I recently saw an episode of Our Perfect Wedding and this young guy, who claimed he was 35, married a 40 year old woman. His age was disputed on social media and everyone said “He’s 25, not 35. That nigga is at least 29 and that woman is at least 45.” And then this one guy commented and said “O sa wara mfana, wena ijele sgogo o tswe mo bona.”
“Sipz ntwana when I knock off I’m going to Sunnyside. There’s this sgogo who said I must visit her and I’ve been postponing it. I can feel the Cerebos levels are too high now.” “So o na le dijo mara o ipolisa tlala mfethu?”
My homie Sbu is quite possibly a sex addict. He loves big, older women and he doesn’t apologise to anyone for his preference. Back in Mafikeng he’s got a baby mama that he still considers his girlfriend. The girl is young and slim. Total opposite of what I’ve seen him chase all times of the night. You would have guessed that his favorite haunt is Grab a Granny and you would be wrong! He goes frequents Graceland club in town. I reckon its for the cheap booze and even cheaper skanks, but he tells me there’s a whole lot more older women there than at Grab a Granny.
I once went with him to Graceland during the school holidays and he was on leave. We met these two young-ish girls, took them to their crib in the villas and had an orgy. We left there around 4am in the morning, but when we drove through town he stopped me and said we should go see if there’s any ladies of the night. We found a couple of them chilling at their usual spot near the taxi rank. Sbu didn’t waste any time, quickly negotiating a price for both me and himself. We had those ladies out in the open. I went around the corner, bent her over some shrubbery. Sbu disappeared around the next corner and had his fun. I dropped my load, wiped my nether regions down with a toilet paper and called out to Sbu so we can leave. I walk towards where Sbu is and this nigga is on top of this old woman pumping and sweating on the ground over a piece card box. He’s pumping and sweating away and telling me sounding irritated “Sipz mfethu I said I’m coming!” “We’re out in the open nigga, this is not your private bedroom. Come and come, we need to bounce so I can return my Dad’s car!”
So it’s Saturday night and Sbu is about to get in-between some old, fat and wrinkly thighs. Sbu must be seriously strong for him to love holding up big thighs. I remember that every time I would hook up with a fat chick it would be a mission to hold up those thighs while I pump away. It’s hard work! It’s hard, hot and sweaty work!
“So do you want to come with me to Sunnyside, Sipz?” “Am I supposed to sit there and watch you bang a sgogo?” “No mfethu, maybe she’ll hook you up with a girl.” “Like her daughter or something?” “Dude just come and stop asking questions. I’m gonna bang that Magogo, ask her for beer money and we’ll be on our way to go look for young stock! It’s a win-win situation.” I was just curious to see who this sgogo is, so I said yes.
We get to Sunnyside and get into one of those dodgy flats with all those foreigners standing outside, through security, up the stairs, step over snot-nosed kids and into a one bedroom flat. We knock and a 50 year old woman opens up. Her face betrayed her age, but her body looks like its good. She doesn’t look fat at all! Sbu hit the jackpot here. She’s got a towel on, looking like she just got out of the shower. “Hello Sbu.” He gives her a peck on the lips “Hello baby!” Eeeuw! The old lady has a good looking flat, nice and neat with some shiny looking amenities. “Sit down boys. And who are you young man?” She asks. “Sipho. Sipz.” She hands me Gordon’s gin and tonic water. “Have a drink, me and Sbu have business to handle.” They disappear into the bedroom and I turn up the volume on the radio.
Barely ten minutes they return, the old lady’s hair is messed up, Sbu is sweaty. Looks like the deed was done but this isn’t why old ladies commit chicken murder.
“Sbu, WTF happened? That was quick!” “As soon as I came the dick stopped working.” “You’re an embarrassment to Ben 10’s everywhere!” We head out of the flats and go to one of the taverns around Sunnyside with a blow the R300 got from the magogo. Yup! Sbu whored himself out tonight for R300!
“Do you know how to drive an automatic, Sipz?” “I’ve driven my dad’s car before. It’s also a BMW automatic.” After a couple of months I managed to find myself a sugar mama. Grace is a bored housewife from Silver Lakes. Her husband is out of the country on business and I’m driving around in his X6.
Grace is out of Sbu’s league. I’m also, at this point, out of Sbu’s league. This is first class and he’s in cargo (or any other less fancy travel arrangement)!
We get to Melrose Arch and park on one of the side streets. Like a true gentleman I get out and ask her if I can open the door for her. I walk around the big Beemer and open the door. She steps out of the car and I have a look at those legs in that black leather skirt and Loubuoton heels! This woman wa baba! She has a Brazillian weave (bonus: her hair-line is still intact), a great body from hours in the gym, a classic dressing sense, great teeth!, and she’s bright, too. She was a lawyer before her husband forced her to be a housewife.
“You look beautiful tonight, Grace.” “Thank you.” She gushed. Thank the lawd she doesn’t look a day over 25 otherwise it would look like I’m on a date with a sgogo. We order steak and Cristal champagne, eat, drink and make merry. After dinner we go and get ourselves a room at the Protea Fire & Ice Hotel, all compliments of her Absa Private Banking. That night, she would later tell me, she had the most number of orgasms she’s ever had in her life! I would know because I took a Viagra so that my dick would stay up the entire night.
Why do women like young men? Is it for the sex? For the silly ego young men have? Are they cute? Unafraid? Do they maybe want to control them?
Might be a myriad of these reasons, and more.
It had been a few weeks since I saw Grace so when she arrived at my door with a suitcase full of her clothes I was very surprised, to say the least. “Ao Grace, en nou?” I couldn’t get hear much from the stream of tears and snot but she had left her husband. Apparently he cheated on her with a girl from Tuks, got her pregnant, she found out and he promptly threw her out for questioning him. “Look Sipz, I just need a place to stay for tonight. I’ve got money saved but I can only access it tomorrow.” Smart girl!
The next morning she gets up, gets into her 7 For Mankind jeans (her ass looks amazing in jeans, especially the expensive ones!), laces up her Jordans and heads out the door. A woman as determined as she was that morning could make Zuma #PayBackTheMoney!
She picthes up at my school with a Golf GTI she hired and tells me to get into the car, “I’m about to murder a bitch, Sipz!” Maybe I don’t want to be an accomplice, Grace. I knew she wouldn’t literally do it so I tagged along for the stories. We drove to Garankuwa, weaving in and out of traffic, in and out of small streets and side streets. “Do you know where you’re going, Grace?” “This bitch lives somewhere around here! We’re gonna drive around until we find that skank!”
After a few hours on the lurk we finally spot her. “There she is!” Grace, still driving like a maniac, screeches the car in front of the girl, gets out of the car, grabs her handbag and chases her down. The girl, recognising Grace, drops the loaf of bread and atchaar she was carrying a ja di-kilometer! For someone who’s supposed to be pregnant she runs like a track athlete. Grace lives in the gym, though. She catches up to her and trips her. All you saw was dust coming up. I’m as unfit as they come, so I come jogging behind.
As I catch up to them Grace is on top on the girl with a pair of scissors. “Grace, don’t stab her!” “Sipz, I’m not gonna stab her or scratch this bitch! I’m gonna cut off this her hair off!” This must be the cruelest thing anyone could do to another girl, fuck up her hair. Snip! Grace holds that hair like a trophy in the air. The weave looks expensive, but now with all that dust you would think its that synthetic shit from Diskom.
I would love to think that Grace needed a friend more than a fuck buddy. I tried to be that for her at her worst time. We lost touch again as she tried to rebuild her life and start practising law again. Once in a while a FaceBook message would pop up just to say hi.