I once tried to teach our goats to pee in one spot in the yard by giving them lettuce or cabbage when they peed in that spot. It went well, but then whenever they saw me they would pee and expect a something. Imagine getting followed by peeing goats all over your family’s farm!
Pops bought a farm outside the Ramatlabama village near the border with Botswana. When you get money you buy a farm, that’s what rich black people do! You buy a farm, get some goats and sheep and cattle. I had a duty to work at the farm when I was home for the school holidays. I had negotiated myself a nice pay of R10K. Certainly more than the farm workers got for a full month’s worth of work.
I was to drive to Mafikeng’s industrial area to buy supplies, and on the weekend I would drive the plassjapies to Mafikeng so they could buy a case of Chibuku and a case of Black Label.
One Saturday when I had just picked up the farm workers and their Chibuku and went to drop them off at the farm I decided that it might be a good idea to go see what’s happens on the weekends in Ramatlabama. I always pass through this village and never really pay attention. Maybe it was time for some village pussy this weekend.
Still smelling like cow dung and Chibuku I went to look for the local tavern. I thought since they’re village folk they’re used to such smells. It’s probably the sign of a hard working man and would remind girls of their fathers who left them when they were young to go look for work in Randfontein and never returned. My reasoning skills were quite impeccable, I must say.
So I drive into the village, roll down the window and listen out for loud music. I followed the music to a dingy looking spot out of someone’s house. I park right in front of the gate because, well, they have to see that I roll big in this village. I walk in and order myself a Black Label quart and a loose cigarette.
I open my beer, light my cigarette and start to scope out the place. There’s cliques across the tavern, a crew of old drunks, a crew of fat girls with greasy hair, some young chicks with a bunch of rough looking niggas, a circle of dancing people, a bunch of dorky looking niggas who look like they haven’t had sex since they banged their cousin in matric, and of course the staple of each village tavern, a crew of farm workers.
I start to feel a bit out of place here and if I’m to come out with a victim here I better work quick so I don’t stay here for too long.
So I go outside so I can pick anyone trying to go enter or leave. “Heita, zwakala hier!” “hey wena sane, ke wena mang?” “Kedibone, hello!” “Sweetheart tshwara mo.” These are my go to cat calls. Really, cat calls are a confidence booster to men. They’re not for attracting the attention of a woman, they never respond positively to it. It’s so that when I approach you later I would have boosted my confidence enough to have charm and wit and make sure I can sweet-talk you enough to drop your panties.
“Eish, these are some beastly-looking girls in here…” I think to myself. One relatively better looking one comes outside and walks past me. I grab her arm on some High School bully shit, “Hola, what’s your name baby?” “Thabang!” “Mang?” “Thabang.” “Where are your friends? Did you come alone?” “No, my boyfriend is on his way here.” I never believe these boyfriend stories. These girls will tell you their boyfriend is inside but he’s never there. So I hassle the girl for another 30 minutes and finally get her to go into the bakkie.
I start kissing her and feeling her up in the bakkie, but these village chicks really need to step up their kissing game. I had saliva all over mouth area like she was licking my damn face. I’m here for ass, so, really, I’m not too bothered that my face will smell like Smirnoff Storm afterwards. I start to unbutton her little shorts and slide my hand to down the valley. Damn! Seems like Hairy Belafonte lives down here. I mission on! Goal in mind! Eyes, and hand, on the prize!
Suddenly there’s a knock on the passenger window. That wasn’t a knock, more of a banging. “Hey Man! O batlang!” I scream. Thabang, gasping, says “Ijoo, that’s my boyfriend.” Shit, I’m gonna get my ass kicked by a village nigga! She opens the door and he yanks her out of the car. She falls down on the ground with a loud thud! “O ntlwaela masepa sefebe!” This nigga starts kicking the girl like she’s a guy. I’m not one for spousal abuse but I was in the wrong and was not about to get involved. In mid-kick, this nigga pulls out a Rambo knife and gives me the most menacing look. My dear reader I hope you understand when I say I started the bakkie and put it in reverse, hit the accelerator, drove over her legs, first gear and drove off! As I drove over her legs I heard her yelp like a little dog. The door closed by itself from me driving off like I was getting chased by the apartheid police.
So I’m back in the safe streets of Maftown. Civilization at last! First stop is Trigger to get myself some beers. I head to my favorite haunt at that time, Shwabini’s, at the old Trendsetters Salon. I never really chilled inside Shwabini’s, always stayed outside. I meet up with Stunt and get on ass mission. Today, someone will have an audition!
And the reason I always stay outside comes swinging its sexy ass! The girl who always had a crush on me in High School comes walking by. “Hey there, Tshidi.” “Hi, Sipz!” This girl had an amazing smile, a tiny body an her ass sticking out. She looked like an ant with that ass. Her face? She’s a ten in the ass and a 3 in the face. “Sipz, I missed you so much. I haven’t seen you in so long!” “I’m glad to see you too, Tshidi. It’s been a long time.”
The three of us drank and hung out for the rest of the night. By 5 am we were still at it. The next thing I remember I was back home sleeping. What the hell happened? I must have blacked out, I think to myself. I woke up and went to Mega City for a greasy breakfast.
As I’m waiting for my magwinya, attchar and russians, breakfast of kasi champions, Stunt and Tshidi come walking towards me. “Hey, what’s up guys?” Tshidi straight goes for it and gives me a passionate kiss. “Hi, Sipz.” “Well, Tshidi, it looks like you’re happy to see me.” “Of course, last night was probably one of the best nights I’ve ever had.”
Tshidi has some banking to do so she excuses herself. I have a lot of questions that Stunt has to answer to.
“Stunt, what the fuck happened last night dude?” “What the hell do you mean what happened?” Says Stunt, in a rather concerned tone. “I blacked out dude. I don’t remember what happened at all. The last thing I remember was us chilling at Shwabini’s.” “Sipz, you and Tshidi banged.” “O bua masepa, I would have remembered that shit.” “Sipz, we went back to my place and you asked for a room. You guys made a lot of noise banging in the bedroom. My girlfriend and I saw everything.”
This was a bit unnerving. How do I bang someone and totally forget it? “Stunt, if you guys saw everything then how come you say you heard noises coming from the bedroom?” “As soon as you guys went into the house you went straight to the bedroom. You didn’t close the door and already you were on top of each other. And do you know why I was sure you banged? You went to the kitchen with your dick and a condom was on your dick.” When you went back to the bedroom you didn’t close the door again. When we went to bed we stood there and got to see some live porn.”
“So, am I and this girl in a relationship now?” “That’s a question you have to ask her yourself dude.”
Tshidi comes back from the bank and the first question I ask is, “So, me and you are not in a relationship, right? You understand that it was a one night thing?” I saw her face go from concern, to surprise, anger and fury in 2 seconds! She gives me warm klap and storms off. My ear was ringing while I saw her ant ass walk away leaving me holding one side of my face.
Well, I guess this was one of those moments where I was learning how to be a player. If o shela ngwana just so you can get into her pants, don’t ask her in the morning if she knows all you guys did was a one night thing.