Have you ever kissed a girl from the villas? Kiss ya le-roma? Lamza? Don’t even bother with em. And be glad if you find one that knows how to give you a proper, full lips, less tongue, hands around your shoulders/head with her eyes closed, linger for a couple of seconds type of kiss. I’ve kissed way too many village girls around Mafikeng. They’re all the same. Especially if they’re ugly. It seems if they’re under 5 in the 0-30 scale (obviously ke di-sthubatlala), the worse they are at it. And I blame the niggas from the villas for this. My houtkop of a cousin lives in Ramatlabama, and him and I have gone through plenty of his so called “friends”. We’ve also banged most of these girls in his outside room at his home. Of all these times I have never seen this nigga start off with foreplay. He gets under the covers, and within a minute the girl is moaning and groaning, and the duvet is on the floor from him jumping so high on the poor girl. The only kissing that I’ve witnessed is at the tavern (note: people in the villas don’t have clubs, its taverns), where he gives the girl a peck on the lips, or he’s shoving his tongue down the girl’s down, while creepily looking towards my direction.
I wasn’t going to talk about the sex, but let’s take it there. If a villa girl isn’t as dead as Brenda Fassie, she’s bouncing and wriggling on you and about to break your dick off. It’s worse if she doesn’t like big dicks. She won’t open her legs and you end up chasing her all over the bed. And I also blame the niggas from the villas for this as well. You villa motherfuckers are a bunch of selfish bastards! You’re all about the nut! Think about it, most of these girls get banged from (and let’s be real here!) 13/14 by old-ass mandigos. At times it’s the old-ass 25 year old bastard who’s giving it to little Grade 8 girls, buying them airtime and shit. This savage-ass muhfucka has never caressed and fondled a woman until she’s ripe and ready, he just shoves it in so he can nut and go back to the tavern/milking goats/ABET class.
A full time Christian prays, studies the bible, and applies those teachings to his everyday life. The part-time Christian, who is pretty much a morally upright guy, goes to church every Sunday, will tell to say he doesn’t imbibe alcohol and doesn’t smoke because he’s a Christian, but is a creep during the week, abusing his wife and children or buying whores whenever he goes on a work trip to Durban. And then there’s the Sunday Christian. Most of the people you know are Sunday Christians, going to enough church services on Sunday so he can be buried by the Pastor/Bishop/Apostle/Moruti/Mma Moruti when he dies. Yes!, marking the register, that’s what it’s called.
Faith Apostolic Church of Biblical Nazareth of Southern Africa starts at 10 am in Montshiwa, but people only start arriving at 11 am. You will be there long after 3pm, so really I understand that people cook and eat their lunch first and then go to church. With my head still fuzzy from last night’s Black Labels, my brother and I wait outside the door until we hear singing. You know that you dare not arrive late and then want to walk in with the Bishop full on with his staccato preaching. Not unless you would like a lecture after church from the madala with the funny goatee, 1950s suit and still smelling like this morning’s chibuku, telling you how respectful your parents are compared to your behavior that day. “Mosimane, you have to wait until you hear singing before you walk in. The Bishop cannot have people walking up and down the aisle while he’s preaching! Did you give for collection?”
Of course I didn’t. I’m hear to mark the register, see the sweet girl I’ve been crushing on since Sunday school days, and then head on to watch a bit of soccer. That’s my Sunday. That’s all I expect from it. I go home and sleep off the rest of the babalas and Monday is a sweet day.
But there’s a new development, by new development I mean someone new has been attending our church, and by new I mean someone who looks like he’s way too chatty with the Bishop, and by way too chatty I mean he sucks the Bishops dick way too much, praising him for his morals and how clean his Isuzu KB is today. “O e tlhokometse tota bakkie e ya gago. You must lend it to me, let me go catch some fish at Disaneng dam. I’ll bring you some nice fish braai, Bishop!” Hehehe, hahaha, khekhekhe. Fucking wanker. I think my crush has a thing for him, making googly eyes at him and shit, I hope he just goes home and has a toss and won’t touch this girl.
“Bishop, how are you?” ”Oh, Sipho my son, how is your mother? I haven’t been to your house in so long! Have you met Makhas? He’s from Mabopane, but came here for work”. Marcus/Makhas, tomatoe/tomato! I stare his monkey-ass down, and with the lamest hand, give him a quick hand shake. “Heita broer, ke Marcus.” “Sipho.”
I won’t lie. Marcus has a swagger about him. Ray Bans on, nice clean suit that suits his tall and well built frame, great shoes. Fucking great shoes!
“Oh, so you work here my chief? Where about?” “Garona. I’m in IT.” “Okay.”
If looks could kill, this nigga would have a tomahawk in his head right about now!
A few weeks pass and back to church I go. You know at this point I’m looking to see what Makhas is up to. He’s there up in the front row, singing and shit.
After church there’s the usual Oros the church gives us, go tshwarisa lela fela, and fellowship. And then here comes this angel, my Sunday School crush, the woman my mother would be proud to call her daughter. “Hey Mmabatho!” “Hi Sips!” What an angelic voice. “Eish, Mmabatho, weitse whenever I see you I feel all my problems go away from just the sound of your…” “Ke etla neh!” Just as I’m about to lay down my best mack she interrupts and makes a bee line for Makhas. “Ao bathong Mmabatho, ke bua le wena!” She waves her index finger to make a sign that she’ll return. Next thing she all over Marcus, hugging and making googly eyes and baby noises. My fear is coming true. This nigga is coming for my woman, and my church, my damn town!
On my usual roll through town I’m off to Graceland to meet up with my cousin. When I get in through the gates who do I see? Marcus! Yup. It’s my time to take my revenge. “Makhisto! Skhokho! What’s up broer?” “Heita Sips, here to get down as well brother?” “I’m ready to get down my man, looks like you’re leaving though, can I buy you one beer before you leave?” “No, no, I’m coming back just now my man. There’s someone waiting for me outside.” “Okay, cool!”
A few minutes later he comes in with this girl, almost as tall as him, like the model type. I think I’ve seen this girl before, but I’ve seen a lot of people so there’s always that one person that will look familiar. So Marcus hits me with an intro and we head off to the bar, purchase a 6 pack and a few pink drinks for his lady friend. While we relaxing I see that familiar thing… he gives the girl a peck on the lips but she doesn’t wanna give him a full on kiss. Yup, she’s from the villas this one.
After more than a few 6 packs, Marcus says we should head over to his house. By this time I’ve got myself a sweet little lady to spend the night with. Marcus stays in Golfview at one of those townhouses. He’s got a nice little place, but my mission isn’t to see how he lives, its to take a picture of him kissing this girl and make sure Mmabatho gets a hold of him! I will ruin him and he will never know it was me!
So over at his place the party gets started again, some R Kelly and red wine, the party is in full swing. Marcus and the girl start to get going at it, tongues and saliva everywhere! His lips look like he put on too much Vaseline. Damn villa girls! I’ve got my camera phone going, got photos and videos! This sucka is going down by the time church starts on Sunday! And one more video as he takes the lady to the bedroom.
Marcus ducks into his bedroom and I get into the other bedroom. As I’m about to get down with the girl she starts getting serious all of a sudden. “Your friend Marcus, does he know Nthabiseng?” “Nthabiseng ke mang? That girl?” “Hee rra, do you guys know Nthabiseng?” “Shut it girl, I don’t have time to be thinking about other niggas girls.”
As I’m about to flip the girl over and change styles I hear a bump on the floor! Boom! What the hell was that? No time to be worried about people falling off the bed, I think to myself as I carry on with my business. Boom!, goes the noise again! Wham! Boom! Screams! Something’s seriously wrong now. I get off the girl and open the door a bit and stick my head out.
Marcus and Nthabiseng are fighting. Fighting naked! Marcus’ dick and balls are flying all over the place, swinging from left to right, and then I see what they’re fighting over! Nthabiseng is actually Bra Nthabiseng! His dick and balls are also swinging from left to right! I would not miss an opportunity like this! I grab camera phone and take the most awkward video ever!
After busting MY nut, I go and see to Marcus. “Broer, what the fuck happened?”
“Sips, please don’t say anything to anyone, please!” “I promise I won’t!” I’ll let the pictures and video tell it.
Marcus tells me he was quite concerned that this Nthabiseng just didn’t want to be touched. He was busy trying to feel on her breasts and pussy but she wouldn’t let him, telling him to wait for the bedroom. As soon as they got into the bedroom she turned off all the lights, closed the curtains and made sure it was dark in there. They took their clothes off themselves, and when Marcus wanted to feel up on the goods she refused. She bent over and slid his dick in the hole. “Wait Marcus, at this point didn’t you feel that it was a bit dry?” “Chief, it was all smooth and warm in there. I didn’t feel any tightness or dryness.” Marcus says he did feel that the hole was a bit higher that usual.
After hitting it for a while he decided to reach around cos something just didn’t feel right. He was met with a dick and balls. He turned that bitch around by pulling on his dick and nuts and looking him right in the eye! “You muthafucka! You knew I would find out, didn’t you? That’s why you wouldn’t let me touch you!” He says he landed a few hits to the face, but that gay motherfucker turns into a man when he’s fighting! He was turning purple around the eye and had a bruised lip. Poor Makhas! Being catfished like that is punishment enough.