After I flunked out of engineering school I went back to Mafikeng. This is where I met up with my old friend, Stunt. We were best mates growing up but we drifted apart in High School. We used to do stupid shit in high school, smoking weed. After smoking we would eat oranges so that we mask the smell. I don’t know if it worked, though, ‘cos our eyes were still red and we would laugh at stupid shit in class. Maybe it did ‘cos we never got busted for it.
So, this chapter is about Stunt as a wingman. Unlike Star, Stunt is an asshole and he doesn’t apologise for it. But I feel like I need to explain the type of person Stunt is, especially when it comes to women. Best way I can explain it is that he walks around with his dick in his hand, offering it to anyone who dares looks at him, or has a vagina. Whichever comes first.
I was with Stunt at Kedirile Inn one evening and I saw this girl giving him a blow job next to his car. It was dark, but it’s not like no one could see that some girl was on her knees bobbing her head back and forth on his crotch. He held this girl’s head as he came, and you could see the poor girl trying to pull her head away, but I know she swallowed a good amount of his man-love!
At Kedirile he also banged a girl in the back seat. There’s nothing wrong with banging a girl in the car, but it was in the parking at the gate of the club where everyone could see! He couldn’t care less though.
At one time when the Telkom Knockouts were held in Maftown, we got some girls from Unit 15 and they told us they their parents weren’t home. Now, I have never had a girl invite me over to her house to bang. Especially a group of horny little High School girls! When we got to their house the girls put on the kettle and made us some tea… with saucers, milk on the side and everything. This wasn’t the type of party Stunt and me were expecting. So, Stunt asks for the toilet and they point it out to him. After a couple of minutes the stink from the toilet started to be too much for everyone in the entire house. Stunt made an earthquake in there! He came out like nothing happened and before we could finish our fucking tea we got kicked out of the house.
No wonder he’s never had a serious girlfriend.
But this is nothing at all. Sometimes he can take it too far. It might have been revenge because I banged his cousin, but he knows his cousins are freaks, I thought he wouldn’t mind. I had invited one of his cousins over to my house one time. We liked each other, that mutual attraction shit. It was her first year at Unibo and I took her home after work one day. We were supposed to “chill” that night, but I got to sucking on her breasts, she got a little hot, I went down to her vagina, put on my scuba gear and made her cum. When I stuck it in I found out she was a virgin. Hooray for me! After that night I ignored all her calls and SMSes. I wasn’t about that life. I’m a smash and pass kinda nigga.
Greg and myself came up with a plan: We don’t have money, it’s Friday and we’re very dry. This Friday can’t just pass us without actually doing something. Someone must have some money we could borrow or something. We call up everyone we know, nothing! What kind of Friday is this in Maftown?! We decide to head to where all of Maftown meets: Star Shop. This is before the po-po started harassing everyone drinking there. The Range Rover is attracting a lot of attention. Everyone knows Greg in Maftown. Not like friends, but as in everyone knows the rich kid in town, the car he drives and all the rumors that circulate about him. Most of them are bullshit, but you know some of them are true because these girls are always listening in on our conversations.
A friend of ours, I don’t really know his name cos he looks like a hobo, comes by and says he has fake notes that he wants to sell us. “Homie these aren’t even that good.” “Take that R100 and go buy something at the shop mfethu, they will never notice.” “Fuck that,” says Greg, “…you go and do it. I’m not about to spend the weekend in jail for some bullshit fake notes.” This nigga goes there and comes back with a 2 litre Fanta Tsipa (Pine) and a pack of X-tra Strong! “Damn homie, give us R1000 and we will see you end of this month!” First destination is the the drug dealer, of course! When we give him that fake money what is he gonna do? Tell the police. Well, that’s exactly what this bastard did! Hardly ten minutes after we did the first gram the damn police stop us on the way back to Unit 2 Star Shop.
Oh yes! This drug dealer most certainly brought them to us, because no cops in Mafikeng decide to stop and search your car out of nowhere. We had already bought a 12 pack in Montshiwa by that time and didn’t have any of the fake money left. We had 2 and a halve bags of coke on us, but we know how to hide this shit. Because its in a plastic bag you can put it in your mouth and hide it between your gums and lips. They never check there. We get charged, instead, for drinking in public. They search us and take our shoe laces, but we manage to get into the cells with the coke. We end up getting high in the cells. But damn, when the hell are we gonna get out?!
Saturday night Greg’s lawyer finally manages to get us out. Thanks for not being a selfish dick, Greg. I was worried he wouldn’t get me out as well.
“Greg, please drop me off at Stunt’s house. I need some weed to calm down after all this shit.” When I get to Stunt’s house I find his brother at the gate. “Dude, where’s your brother?” “He’s inside sleeping.”
I walk through the house and head to his bedroom. I open the door and find he’s sleeping with the lights off, but he’s sleeping on his stomach, I can see from the light from the corridor. “Dude, you’ll never guess where I slept last night,” I say as I sit down next to him on this bed. “I was in bloody jail last night. That dealer of ours sent the police to us cos we bought three bags with fake notes, hahaha!” “Sipz, don’t play with the dealers my guy, them niggas can get you killed by the police themselves.” “Yeah, Stunt. I know what you mean.”
Maybe my eyes started to adjust to the darkness or something but I notice that something’s wrong with this guy’s arms. There’s actually four arms sticking out of the bed. “Dude, are you having sex right now?” I walk over to the wall put the light on and who do I see? NO! It’s my aunt, Auntie Ditshego! She’s married to my father’s brother. Stunt, how do you get a nigga back like that!
But despite his short comings, let me explain how it goes down when me and him are on the prowl.
We had a strike at the university. Students were protesting about food or something stupid instead of studying. All the staff had to leave that day as the cops wanted to calm the situation down. I believe it was a Thursday, quarter to weekend.
I don’t really hang out with the staff because they’re much older and don’t have an ounce of fun in their body. So I decide to call up Stunt since this nigga really doesn’t do anything during the day. “Wassup playa! Guess what? I ain’t working today son, let’s get a couple of bottles and a couple of honey-dips, bring out the poitjie pot and do best!”
Stunt calls up a few honey-dips from Unibo, a few friends who don’t get up to anything during the day and we head over to Greg’s house in Riviera Park. We set up the poitjie, put some lamb shanks, mix it up with some veg and get the party started!
This is still early, 2 – 3 pm, and it’s during the winter time. We relax and sit by the fire with the honeys and some drinks. By 7 pm we’re nice and toasted. Greg says we should go to town quickly and see his girlfriend. The honey that I’ve been macking on all day is nice and toasted as well, I can see that I’ve scored here, and I’m not about to mess it up and leave her to these wolves. Anyway, he convinces me to leave with him. An hour later I come back and settle back in at the fire. All I see is Stunt walking with the honey I was macking on with his arm around her waist. “What the hell is going on here?” I scream, but Stunt waves me away.
After a couple of minutes he comes back and walks to me and Greg. “Gents, I’ve got a story to tell you!” “You fucked her, neh!” I retort. “Hold on buddy, let me tell you what happened…” he says.
He tells me that right after I left he saw the girl sitting in the house by herself. He asked her why she looks sad. “My boyfriend was supposed to come and pick me up but now he’s coming with stories.” “That’s really sad. Why don’t you walk me to my friends house.” So he walks the chick to his house since it’s not far. When he gets there he sits her down in the lounge and brings her a drink. “Now, why don’t you tell me what you’re boyfriend did?!” “He says because he didn’t send me he’s not gonna come pick me up from whatever place I’m at. Sipz doesn’t want to take me home either” she says. Stunt replies with that classic line, “Well, why don’t I comfort you with some dick!” He starts to kiss the girl and takes her to the bedroom. From what he tells me the girl is a screamer and she came twice in one round.
“So where the hell did you take her?” I ask. Stunt replies, “While I’m banging the girl the boyfriend calls and I pressed the call but I don’t say shit. I bet he heard her scream. He drops the call and she answers. He tells her he’s at the party and she should come. I had to quickly finish so I could get the girl back to her man.”
I really couldn’t be mad at that. I wasn’t probably gonna bang her that night. I’m glad someone did.
The evening went on as if nothing happened. We burned the neighbour’s trusses in the fire and partied the night away.
I knew that Stunt didn’t mean to hurt me or anything, it’s just that o tla go jela stock if o baiza!